How to: Delete a German’s eyes in an ex-soviet country.

A step-by-step recipe for disaster, violence and a stinking hangover.

・ First you’ll need to find a suitable location. I chose Kazakhstan but really anywhere with an unhealthy drinking culture and abundant violent lurkers will be fine.

・ Go anywhere that serves alcohol. A nightclub would be ideal but as long as you can find a giant Russian pimp that wants to ruin your night, you’ll be fine. The drunker he is when you spot him, the better.

・ Attract his attention. This step should be easy. Just try talking to any of the girls at the bar. He’ll soon be dragging you away from them with his gorilla grip sausage fingers firmly wrapped around your shoulder.

・ Now that you’ve made contact, you’ll find yourself balancing a fine line between being his best friend and his worst enemy. At his stage it’s crucial that you neutralise his actions and make sure a fight doesn’t break out. Remember he is in his natural habitat and he could snap your neck like it’s a toothpick. Although you can’t speak the same language, try to mirror his body language to keep him on the right track. Laugh when he laughs, look serious when he does and copy his grunts. If you scrape your knuckles on the ground when you walk he’ll see you as being one of his own.

・ Have a drinking competition. This part is not your choice and there is no way to get out of it. I started mine by saying one of the few Russian phrases I know – “Ya ha choo vodka” (I want vodka). Even if he is already wasted, don’t think for a second that you could possibly win because 1. He is Russian, and 2. His body weight is at least twice yours. The idea is that you drink short glasses (not shots) of straight vodka until one of you can no longer stand up.

・ If you don’t really want to commit liquor suicide, make sure you don’t drink more than around 10 glasses. As you start approaching the amount of alcohol that could kill you, and he’s not slowing down, you should probably start thinking about planning your escape. He won’t let you go to the toilet and isn’t convinced by your faking being drunk and falling over. Unless you want to take your chances of punching him in his fat face and funning away (risking the chances of your fist breaking on impact and him catching you and burying you in the woods), you should look to your friends for a diversion so you can escape out the back door while he isn’t looking.

・ Now that you’re out on the streets and fully gassed on vodka, choose one of your friends as a suitable opponent. In my case, Element Europe’s Michael Mackrodt was perfect. He’s got the determination of a German with the arrogance of the French, he’s strong and is the type of person that thinks it's a good idea to pick a fight with someone that’s just drunk a few litres of spirits.

・ Remember- You are not in a boxing ring. You’re on the street and there are no rules to a gypsy fight so fight dirty and make sure you do whatever he does to you but a bit harder. Biting, scratching, punching, kicking…. Anything is ok but my personal favourite moves are the headlock and the eye gouge. When used together they can be very effective. Keep the head trapped under your right arm and place the thumb of your left hand on his eye and begin to apply pressure. If your opponent is experienced in the art of gypsy wrestling, he’ll have worked out a way to jam his thumb into your eye socket as well. This is fine as long as you remember to apply slightly more pressure than he does without actually blinding him.

・ Hopefully you have the type of friends that would rather laugh at you and take photos rather than step in and try to break the fight up. If someone does try and step in, take them down too. They should know better.

・ If you start bleeding, make sure you get as much of your blood on your opponent as possible so you don’t want to look like you’ve lost.

・ By this time the situation is well out of control. It’s time to kiss and make up. A great night out but you’ll need at least a few hours of sleep before you have to wake up and go skating. Goodnight!

Laurence Keefe
@laurencekeefe